curiosity is the antidote of judgement. curiosity happens when you feel safe enough to wonder instead of defend. people who feel unsafe tend to judge instead. try to remain curious.
in life, you get to watch the people you love fuck their lives up- and you can’t do much about it. your job is to be sad about your lack of control and responsibility, and grieve the person you thought they were going to be. people are going to fuck up on their own and they won’t listen to your advice- and why should they? who says you’re right and they’re wrong? they have to find out on their own. you can’t make good choices for somebody. watching someone you love choose the same self-destructive, cyclical struggle over a new, supportive and safe struggle- is one of the toughest things to do. and that’s all i’ve learned about that right now.
don’t speak if you aren’t being heard. only have arguments that matter.
say “and” instead of “but” more often. a lot can coexist at the same time instead of contradictory to each other. emotions are nuanced.
the person who needs convincing is yourself. when you are confident in your decisions, you don’t need to explain them to others. if people want an explanation, they can ask for it. if you aren’t confident in your decisions, listen to that feeling, shut up and learn- with curiosity, instead of judgement. why are you unsure? can you be unsure and do it anyway?
the people who are the best with kids know how to place clear boundaries between their emotional world and the child’s emotional world. those who don’t take children’s dysregulation personally- and instead offer a safe, regulated nervous system- help create the ideal learning environment for growing minds. it’s hard as fuck, and people who can’t do it shouldn’t teach children. that includes parents. but often, they still do.
lean into what makes you uncomfortable. discomfort isn’t danger. sometimes growth feels uncomfortable, but that doesn’t mean it’s unsafe. what makes you uncomfortable is often the place you need to practise staying.
you have to try again the things that you failed at as a child- now as an adult. you’re stronger now, more capable. you are no longer a baby elephant tied to a post, thinking you can’t break free. you’re a grown elephant now, and you can rip the post right out of the ground. back then, you learned you couldn’t, but that’s no longer true. you can do so much more now.
just like in the gym, trauma doesn’t make you stronger; rest and recovery from the trauma makes you stronger. working out without proper recovery rips your muscles and uses your resources. growth happens when you pay attention to your wounds and take the resources needed to adapt and change. you need to change to grow.
not everyone agrees as to what the purpose of a debate is. clarify that before you try to debate somebody. some people don’t care about the truth.
you can plant a seed in perfect soil, at the perfect time of year, give it perfect water and sunlight, and still have your crops not grow because it got way too hot that year. there is always something out of your control.
grief isn’t one feeling- it’s a process of your mind, body and soul going through life with something that can’t be undone. a future that you thought you had. invested love. it’s incredibly complex. a lot of people are grieving something, but a lot of people do it alone. dr. john deloney says “grief demands a witness,” and i do think connection is necessary in grieving. connection is necessary in general.
i am a good pet owner. my animals are fine. they are more than fine. they are incredibly happy and stress-free and they have great lives. when i look around my home panicking about if i’m doing enough and i see all of my babies sleeping so peacefully (some even on me), i can remind myself that my animals are not as concerned as i am. it’s good that i worry. it’s good that i question myself, reflect and try new things to make their lives better. i take good care of them.
boundaries are a gift. boundaries show that you care about the maintenance of the relationship. boundaries say, “i need to do this in order to be the best person i can be for you, and that’s what you deserve.” they are not a punishment. they are proof that this person self-reflected on previous behaviours and noticed they needed to take better care of themselves. i think its the best thing someone can do for you; take care of themselves.
everyone’s version of success looks different. what do you value? what do you want to feel? that’s all that matters. not anyone else’s thoughts on a life they did not live.
it’s okay to be sexy!! and to feel sexy!! you are an adult and you are allowed to be a sexual person. you are allowed to feel pleasure, want to feel pleasure, and be okay with admitting that out loud. it is not something to be embarrassed about; it is an incredibly common human experience! you’re hot and you’re allowed to own it. especially now at 25. you will appreciate celebrating your sexy self now when you’re 75.
there’s knowledge, and then there’s care. it’s easy to assume someone holds a certain opinion because they don’t know enough- but sometimes peoples have all the knowledge in the world, even more than you do, and they still don’t care. in fact, they might even use that knowledge to reinforce their point of view. because the difference isn’t what they know- it’s what they care about. not many people care as much as you do. i don’t know why. i don’t know what happens to people. something makes them forget what it felt like to be a child and that we are all the same. this is something i’ll be sitting with this year.
if your physical health is struggling, it makes sense the rest of you would be, too. when you’re hungry, sleepy, sick or in pain, it’s hard to do anything efficiently until those needs are met. when your body feels like it is in danger, your mind can’t prioritize higher level thinking. the same is true in relationships that constantly put you in “fight or flight.” rest, or your body will make sure you do.
you don’t need to fit in to any kind of label. you are complex, and all of your parts work together and affect each other. you are more than one thing.
the classic cliches for mental health are cliches for a reason. drinking more water increases my blood volume, which means more blood reaches my brain, helping me think more clearly and manage some POTS symptoms. going for walks helps me connect with the present moment outside of my chaotic inner world, and it makes me more hopeful and motivated. getting proper sleep helps me have enough energy and time to get my projects done in the day in the vibe of my creative flow. you are like a sim; you get uncomfortable when your needs aren’t met. if you’re not having an okay time, check your sim vitals; bladder, hunger, energy, fun, social, hygiene. refuel and rule them out. i can’t tell you how many times my bad day correlates to lacking fresh fruit in the house.
don’t tell people what you’re doing. just do it.
as much as possible; do the thing the first time the thought comes into your head. when i put something off, the thought just repeats over and over and i feel so useless and i take forever- if i don’t give up. the longer it lingers, the more resistance i feel toward the task. i end up spending more time thinking about the task than actually doing the task! you can burn a lot of motivation that way. try to act on the thought the first time. this takes a lot of practise of staying in the moment.
and my top 3 things i learned this year:
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